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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Fear

Well, I've been trying to write this post for over a week and it keeps evolving in my head into this big massive thing that I just don't even want to write. But in case it helps in some way, or even at the least because I need to get it out, here we go.

I heard a statistic recently that the number one issue women deal with is fear. All other issues can usually be tied back to the fear of something. I can one hundred percent relate to this. I am constantly at war with myself to not be afraid. I feel awful admitting that- we'll call it confession time, I guess. Even knowing the Lord is for me, not against me, I don't need to be afraid, etcetera etcetera etcetera... I'm constantly trying not to be afraid. Afraid of a bad day, afraid of losing CC somehow, afraid of getting sick, afraid of poverty once again, afraid of ________ (fill in the blank with practically anything).

Do you feel that way? If you're honest? Maybe you're not ready to be that honest out loud- I get it. No judgment here, that's for sure. But for me, the past two weeks seem to be leading to the fact that God is the God who loves ME. Knowing how scared I am all the time. Knowing that He can help me if I'll just finally let go. Sigh. Knowing that, I still struggle.

As you know if you read my last post,  Alisa went through the ringer two weeks ago. Alisa, a friend I grew up with, who got the happy news that she was unexpectedly expecting, only to discover her firstborn son was going to be born with a very fatal rare birth defect. While she was under general anesthesia. Her prayer was that she'd get to see him alive, even if just for a moment. It was a heavy weekend. Praise the Lord she got to see him, and have 61 minutes with her precious, completely loved and adored, little boy. God is faithful and He is good. But it was a gut-wrenching weekend.

What if in the future, God calls us to walk through a similar situation? I'm not sure I'm strong enough for such a test. At the same time, I was sick and laid low anyway, so it was a pretty dark weekend.

We were all starting to come out of the sad fog over that news when last Tuesday night I received the awful news that one of our ministry team members died unexpectedly. He's been here at the church with his family forever, and now he's left behind his wife and teenage daughter. This literally rocked the church, and especially our ministry last week. It was a lovely service and his family's doing pretty well considering, but what a lousy couple of weeks it's been (not to mention the heartbreaking situation in Connecticut last Friday).

Are we prepared if one of us were to suddenly go? What will I do if I ever had that happen to me? To him? We've been together longer than we've been apart. We grew up together, he's my best friend, the love of my life. I cannot at all imagine not being with my husband. He's my world.

And at the same time, I know Jesus is my world. He's the Center of it all, as the song says. So I keep praying. For help to not be so anxious. To not be afraid. To let go.

It helps that it's Christmas, celebrating the entire Reason to let go. Because He loves us just that much. I can't imagine the fear Jesus had to fight against, knowing all along the very reason He'd come was to die. I don't even have words for that, you know? I just can't imagine it. But the love that He has for you, for me, how amazing!

And I'm grateful.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Oh You Know... Random Musings

The Blogger app on my phone is still not working, which means I still don't easily have a way to share photos with you. Boo.

Also, due to it being the Christmas season, life is, as usual, busy. But I miss you. I really do.

So, I thought I'd give you some random thoughts that have been trucking through my brain of late.

*If you're looking for a great Advent devotion, this is the one we've been reading and we are loving it! It's fantastic!

*Hubby and I are going strong with myfitnesspal.com and together have lost just about 70 pounds. Last weekend we cleaned out our closet and got rid of SIX garbage bags of clothes. Then to not be nekkid at church the next day, we went shopping. We're smart like that. And, to summarize that day, I am perfectly content living in sweatshirts and jeans. In other related news, my hubby is HAWTT. (He always has been, but he's smaller HAWTT.)

*This situation has been heavy on my heart lately, especially this week. In case you don't have facebook or just want the gist, this is a friend from back in the day. Alisa is a gorgeous singer/songwriter who's had her music featured on TV shows like 'So You Think You Can Dance,' etc. She's amazing. She has Lyme disease and has struggled with that for years. Her late father was once our worship pastor and so well-loved that folks still miss him and talk about him.

Alisa unexpectedly got pregnant and her firstborn son was diagnosed with Anencephaly. Anencephaly is an extremely fatal condition, which to sum up, means her baby will be born and then most likely pass away within moments of his birth. Because of Alisa's health issues, she will be put under general anesthesia to have her son. Which means she probably won't get to even meet him while he's alive. This is heartbreaking to me and with her surgery/his birth happening tomorrow morning, it is extremely heavy on my heart and mind to be praying for Alisa, her husband Jaime, and their son, London. Please join me in prayer, won't you?

*Another situation is happening locally that's now gone viral. A local mother has lost a custody battle to keep her son, who is scheduled to move out-of-state at the end of the month to live with his father. My very dear friends know her and are helping her appeal, and I trust their judgment. However, custody battles are VERY tricky, and I do not know this woman or her son. Since I don't want to 'take a side,' I've been praying for God's best will to be done in the lives of this family.

*It's the Christmas season! I love it all. The only bummer is trying to be healthy while indulging the need to bake. And bake lots. And not skimp on the good stuff, like pecans and chocolate. And not to eat the entire box of Candy Cane Joe-Joes all at once. Or the box of chocolate-covered cherries all at once. Or to just have an entire pecan pie for dinner. You know, first world problems. Just sayin'.

*My husband spoils me rotten. For real. I am not exaggerating. As you may or may not know, we've been struggling with the decision of what to replace our Tassimo with, now that Tassimo has decided to be dumb and get rid of the latte creamer, which is the only thing worth having. The other night he found a great coupon to Williams-Sonoma and bought us the new Starbucks Verismo machine. I can't wait for it to arrive and get that puppy crankin'! See, spoiled!

*I love Jesus. I love Christmas. I love my life. I am so incredibly blessed.

And those are my musings for today. Happy weekend to you!