Well, I've been trying to write this post for over a week and it keeps evolving in my head into this big massive thing that I just don't even want to write. But in case it helps in some way, or even at the least because I need to get it out, here we go.
I heard a statistic recently that the number one issue women deal with is fear. All other issues can usually be tied back to the fear of something. I can one hundred percent relate to this. I am constantly at war with myself to not be afraid. I feel awful admitting that- we'll call it confession time, I guess. Even knowing the Lord is for me, not against me, I don't need to be afraid, etcetera etcetera etcetera... I'm constantly trying not to be afraid. Afraid of a bad day, afraid of losing CC somehow, afraid of getting sick, afraid of poverty once again, afraid of ________ (fill in the blank with practically anything).
Do you feel that way? If you're honest? Maybe you're not ready to be that honest out loud- I get it. No judgment here, that's for sure. But for me, the past two weeks seem to be leading to the fact that God is the God who loves ME. Knowing how scared I am all the time. Knowing that He can help me if I'll just finally let go. Sigh. Knowing that, I still struggle.
As you know if you read my last post, Alisa went through the ringer two weeks ago. Alisa, a friend I grew up with, who got the happy news that she was unexpectedly expecting, only to discover her firstborn son was going to be born with a very fatal rare birth defect. While she was under general anesthesia. Her prayer was that she'd get to see him alive, even if just for a moment. It was a heavy weekend. Praise the Lord she got to see him, and have 61 minutes with her precious, completely loved and adored, little boy. God is faithful and He is good. But it was a gut-wrenching weekend.
What if in the future, God calls us to walk through a similar situation? I'm not sure I'm strong enough for such a test. At the same time, I was sick and laid low anyway, so it was a pretty dark weekend.
We were all starting to come out of the sad fog over that news when last Tuesday night I received the awful news that one of our ministry team members died unexpectedly. He's been here at the church with his family forever, and now he's left behind his wife and teenage daughter. This literally rocked the church, and especially our ministry last week. It was a lovely service and his family's doing pretty well considering, but what a lousy couple of weeks it's been (not to mention the heartbreaking situation in Connecticut last Friday).
Are we prepared if one of us were to suddenly go? What will I do if I ever had that happen to me? To him? We've been together longer than we've been apart. We grew up together, he's my best friend, the love of my life. I cannot at all imagine not being with my husband. He's my world.
And at the same time, I know Jesus is my world. He's the Center of it all, as the song says. So I keep praying. For help to not be so anxious. To not be afraid. To let go.
It helps that it's Christmas, celebrating the entire Reason to let go. Because He loves us just that much. I can't imagine the fear Jesus had to fight against, knowing all along the very reason He'd come was to die. I don't even have words for that, you know? I just can't imagine it. But the love that He has for you, for me, how amazing!
And I'm grateful.